AU: Trope Minefield

[haole_cop]

He's pretty sure this goes against his contract.

Actually, he's sure it goes against not only his contract, but also the various non-harrassment papers they all have to sign every time some aide in the Governor's office gets a little twitchy.

Like after Lori left. And after he and Gabby...

Well.

So maybe he hasn't made the best choices in the world, in the last few years. Maybe things have been a little extra rough, for him and Steve and the rest of the team, between Doris and Kono wandering around looking for Adam and --

(he doesn't think about Reyes, or about Matt, unless he has to, and he doesn't have to, tonight, so he just skips, like a record needle scratching)

-- well, that building. With the bomb. (And Amber, who -- speaking of bad ideas. Good kid. But a kid.)

Anyway you slice it, they deserve a win, Five-0. All of them do. It's been a hard few years, and they've all taken their lumps.

So when this got served up to them, it seemed too good to be true. Right? Straightforward. Sleek facade concealing sleazy underhanded deals, that first came across Duke's desk for possible fraud and tax evasion, now linked to not one, but two murders -- which means it's theirs, now.

Danny was even happy about it, until it turned out they'd be going in UC, until he's the one pulling open the door, stepping into a wash of air conditioning and dim lighting from Hawaii's sultry Saturday night, until this plan started looking less like recon and more like a heist.

At least this suit still fits.

Comments

[thebesteverseen]

Danny is becoming more and more small restless movements, that keep pushing at Steve like a proof that he should have moved. Yet now that every sign that Danny is giving off is the need to move, to be away, walk around, use the full range of mountain from his hands to his shoulders, Steve doesn't want to let go or move at all. He doesn't want Danny to have woken up enough to suddenly be the one who needs Steve to move away and off of him.

Danny even rolls back his head, leaving it dead weight on the mattress, and just stares up, beyond all of this. At the ceiling that Steve knows too well. That there is nothing worth looking at up there, but that it doesn't stop it from happening. There being absolutely nothing else to do, because everything else is out of reach, elsewhere, or just not a capable, applicable happenstance for any of the several situations it slides through his head. Cath. Doris. Even, Danny.

But he doesn't want Danny anywhere else. Up there. Away from right here. Him. For right here where he's talking about.

Making Steve have to go bolder. More pointedly specific in his actions and his words. He leans into the space left open from Danny leaning his head back. Lets his lips follow the shoulder right below his face to the wide of expanse of Danny's throat left bare and wide open right next to his head while Danny flicked his hands and looked at the ceiling.

Steve saying the only thing that was absolutely true, first and last in mouth and thoughts. "You're always here."

Always. All the time. Like. If it weren't Danny the person would be invasively underfoot and need to die a very painful death just so Steve could breathe and catch sight of his own shadow ever always. When it was so much more than just letting himself in Steve's door, and having his own key. Or even the parties he holds for the whole of Five-0 when it seems right.

There were the games and movies on the couch, and chairs on the back. Beers in and out. Grace here on weekends, where she gets her own tiny personal beach and whatever she asks for with those puppy eyes. Dragged out to her events, and him to theirs. Danny sleeping on the couch when they get in so late it's early morning from a case, because he'd stayed on that couch for so long years ago that the option just stayed. In the car. HQ. Steve even had more job mandated therapy with Danny than he had about his own case management.


There wasn't a place Danny wasn't. Maybe a year ago, two. When Cath and Doris were both still here. But they weren't.
They were gone, and Danny was everywhere, unchecked. Including his bed, in his head, and warm against his mouth now.

[haole_cop]

Steve shifts, like tectonic plates moving, slow and inevitable, until his mouth is against Danny's shoulder, and he starts following along it, up to the curve of his throat.

Making Danny's eyes drift closed, at the sensation, and a smile he can't stop press at the corners of his mouth, until he gusts out a breath of a laugh, tailing after a low sound that doesn't make it far enough out of the back of his throat to be called a groan. Hands landing back on Steve, and running up, along his back and along the back of his neck and into his hair, again, possessive and delighted, because Steve isn't making fun of him. Steve's not mocking him. Steve's not getting up, or moving away, or acting like this is going to be forgotten about in the morning and never spoken of again.

Steve's mouth is against his throat, and he's saying that. That. Not asking questions, or for clarification. But. Like he knows what Danny's trying to say. Knows exactly what he means.

And that he is here. Exactly where he wants to be. The place he's fought and argued and stubbornly pushed his way into. Here. And that he's always here. Always. Even when he's not. Even when he can't be here, when Steve's all by himself.

Steve's saying it doesn't matter, and Steve is making his slow, dedicated way along his throat, and Danny tips his head back, again, but this time, it's to give him more space, offer up more skin, the line of his jaw, the soft, sensitive spot right beneath his ear. "Yeah, you can't get rid of me, I know."

As much as he appreciated Steve not teasing him, he can't help it. It's a joke that comes from relief, not a desire to dodge, or dissemble. It doesn't even sound quite perfect, because it's not shot off in the heat of an annoyed argument, and his arms are tightening back around Steve, and Steve's lips are on his skin. Feeling like he's sinking into a hot bath, as the tension starts to unwind.

[thebesteverseen]

The low laugh, after the thick breath in at Danny reacting to his touch, is nice. It sounds slightly more real than all the waffling words trying to build themselves into towers just to jump off of from a too tall height. Never sounding like lies, but never sounding good entirely either. Steve wanted to put each word to memory to go over whenever he could think straight again, for longer than three minutes, but he could only choose one right now and the one was Danny.

Danny, with his hands suddenly back on Steve's skin, fluid and flushed warm against him, shifting smoothly up and down his muscles. Into the lower part of his back and then up into his hair. The restlessness evaporating back into this touch, while Steve's ability to focus dissolves into the sweat-salt flavor of Danny's skin against his lips, his tongue, the soft graze of his teeth as Danny shifts back, but not away, only opening up even more to Steve.

Draining at Steve's want to talk at all, because he hasn't managed to touch and map every single inch of Danny's skin and he still doesn't really know if there's time. If Danny will get off his bed, put his clothes back on, and go home. Especially since most of the parts of it are only right over there, a few feet beyond them. Steve tried to stab away the thought of this bed, empty and cold, after all of this. Danny's skin so warm against him. Steady heartbeat and even his uncertain voice still talking, filling up Steve's head and his room.

Always talking. Saying words that are old and worn-in but a new way.

A little out of breath and serious, instead of snipped. Awkward and unsteadied.

Steve having to give up sucking softly at a spot right at the top of Danny's neck and under the hinge of his jaw, to be able to make his own voice usable. Not for some snappy retort, that would fit, should fit. Except for that strange twist to Danny's voice in how he said it, too. Making it stick to Danny's, and the darkness in the room, that he's falling into as Danny shifts and shivers under him and he can see more of him like this.

Head tipped back, eyes closed. The most glorious mess he'll never forget. "I never wanted to."

[haole_cop]

Steve is working his way up Danny's throat with the same single-minded dedication he shows to everything he does, and Danny can feel it, the way his whole body is flooding with slow warmth, how Steve's mouth at his pulse, directly over the artery, is heating all the blood passing by just beneath it.

Leaving Danny to shift again, but lazy, now, in a whisper of sheets against skin, sliding one foot up the mattress so his knee points to the ceiling, inside of calf and thigh against Steve's leg. One hand sliding down Steve's back, slow and savoring, and the other slipping fingers into Steve's hair, thumb rubbing against the thin skin of his skull.

All of it combining to center him, back here, in his body, that Steve is touching, that Steve is covering, while Steve is allowing Danny to lavish all those touches he'd never been allowed before over his skin. Palm flat and nearly reverent. Mapping the curves and slopes and blunted edges of Steve's body in a way he was never able to, before, even with a look. The dip at the small of his back. The curve of his ass. The flat strong plane, dense muscle layered over his shoulder blades.

All of it slowly sending Danny slipping off, back to the cloud he'd been floating on earlier, the perfect liquid looseness of his muscles. "Hmm?"

Taking a deep breath in, and cracking an eye when he half-turns towards Steve, when Steve has stopped and his mouth is no longer against Danny's skin, and Danny's sure Steve is answering some question, but he can no longer remember what, through the puffy white clouds currently fogging up his brain. "Never wanted to what?"

It could be a response to any part of what Danny just admitted to, confessed into this dark room, to this bed, to Steve. Maybe, even, to himself. Things he was never going to say, that never had a place to be said.

Suddenly wanted. Like him. Impossibly, and incredibly.

[thebesteverseen]

Steve can't help himself. Danny opens his eyes, dazed even in the darkness, and Steve's laugh is something that is soft, sharp with surprise (and maybe a little too much smugness) more than anything else, but entirely real. When somehow he has this effect on Danny -- and it's the effect Danny wants him to have, use, be doing -- and somehow that means Danny can't even follow along with conversations he was running and that he'd only responded to seconds ago, the same as Steve.

"You know," Steve says, feeling the words roll off his tongue, sparkling, hot amusement. "I think I like you better like this."

He rolled his eyes even though his smile didn't get any less crooked or wide, not even as he leaned a little loosely toward the fingers suddenly massaging his skin. Holding on to the prize of the necessity of needing to clarify for Danny of all people, with his words and his endless conversations, what the topic of his own conversation he'd been just talking about is even about. "Get rid of you."

He hasn't in so many years, and any of the examples he can even come up with in the last few years?

They all boiled down to being about this. Unable to separate what he wanted from who he needed to be.

Danny being always underfoot, and something he could never entirely inundate himself to, until he was gone for a weekend or a few weeks and came back and it was like being gassed. Making it a lot like inundation training each time. Except it wasn't. All there was now was the tension of not leaning in to kiss Danny and his slightly befuddled, curious expression. Before realizing he, again, that he just could. Cross those few inches, of nothing but darkness and breath, and kiss Danny, this face, and the soft confusion Steve'd made with a few seconds work of his own mouth.

[haole_cop]

"No?"

He knows it comes out a little dopey, a little drowsy, knows his eyes are heavy and relaxed, but he's not out of it enough to miss the way Steve leans into his fingers, or how Steve's eyes drop to his mouth, and have to pull themselves back up again to meet his. "You coulda fooled me."

With all the times Steve's criticized him or mocked him, all the times Steve's argued back when Danny takes a stand, reminds him of the rules they can't break and the ones they shouldn't. There have been times when it's seemed like Steve is nothing so much as simply exasperated by Danny's continued existence near him.

Danny even used to believe it.

And maybe it was real, once upon a time. Back in the beginning, when everything was raw and ragged and Danny was so angry at the world he almost argued himself out of the best job he ever had with the best team there is. Maybe, back then, Steve meant it, and maybe there have been a handful of times since then, but not most of the time. Maybe not ever, anymore.

Not when Steve comes to Colombia to get him, or when Steve has never once questioned him about something personal and important since Meka. Not when Steve is either at Danny's place, with him and Grace, every weekend, or inviting Danny here, when it's just assumed that they'll spend their free time together, just like their work hours.

But he still says it, because he's supposed to say it, because that's what they do, even while his fingers start running more purposefully over Steve's scalp, before they tighten, and start pulling him in, as Danny's leaning forward. A little awkward, at this angle, but Steve's right there, and Danny wants to see what it'll be like, to kiss him slow and certain and specific, without the rush and fire of impatient need.

What he tastes like. What he feels like. How much more Danny can feel like his whole body is slowly dissolving into the warm, dark Hawaiian night.

[thebesteverseen]

Danny's fingers run against his head, trying to pour warm water down his head, shoulders, back, into those knots that know better how to stay taut and grow more solid than how to relax entirely and let go. Even on his best days. The best days. Where nothing has gone wrong even as the sun sets down. The rare ones, that he wasn't built for, but could enjoy even as he itched for the next run, the next pull of a gun, slam of a hand, click of cuffs, shaft of blue light in an interrogation room.

There isn't a wait here though. Danny fingers are warm against his scalp and then Danny is pulling him down toward the bed and himself, doing with absolute ease the thing Steve had only considered. Leaning up, pulling him down, so he's leaning in to kiss Danny's mouth. The soft warm slide of lips, slow this time and everything like the empty, quiet dark around them, and the waves out at the edge of the house and Steve's hearing.

The way it feels good, even when good and slow mean he's still thinking. Maybe too much. About the words that just came out of Danny's mouth. Dopey and drowsy, Danny dropped kicking, with so much ease Steve has no clue how to emulate, as he says the words that he should this time. Like it's not a serious comment, what Steve just said, right on the heels of Danny's, and all the jokes that turned sideways or couldn't be made.

The only thing that comes to his mind, like a personal recrimination, even though he can't entirely tell what his tone is when his forehead rests against Danny's and he says it in the space between one kiss and another, even though he hasn't a clue how many happened before his mouth and the words decided they needed to happen more than be ignored. Or how it sounds. A whisper of something that isn't any of the things it was earlier. So small, and almost, just almost, an apology. Honest. He doesn't know how to blink even with a gun pointed face-blank an inch from his face. "I did."

He doesn't know how he feels about that anymore.

He used to be so proud of it. He's already gotten insulted about anything pricking at it. Poking at the walls that kept their friendship and partnersip in one piece. Supporting Danny, and pushing forward with his own life, with Cath, and even Doris, so long as Danny was at his side. His sounding board and his place where he didn't have to be worried. About where anything was going or who he could never be

But.

There's something else there now. Something dark and uncertain in his gut, especially in the quiet, warmth and Danny kissing him like this. This terrible truth that twists in there. That they both lied to each other this well, for this many years. That neither of them knew. Which hadn't turned out badly by some improbable miracle percentage -- with all they're been through and are to each other already -- but.

This could have happened years ago. So many years, specific every days, that it tangles sore and nearly painful.

With no clue whether to be sickened at how much might have been lost already, or just grateful it managed to happen now.

[haole_cop]

He wonders, if this had somehow happened, three years ago, if he would, by now, be sick of the way Steve follows his tugging hand to kiss him, deep and slow and electric, and figures, probably not.

How could he. How could anyone. How could it do anything but simmer down in his belly, the way that Steve is allowing Danny to wrap around him, move him around, keep him here. How Steve kisses him, again, and again, until Danny feels like a sand castle getting caught in a slow and rising tide.

Until Steve pauses, pushes his forehead up against Danny's in a way that feels so much more intimate than nearly anything else they've been doing, because Steve never does. Sometimes to Grace, if he's trying to comfort her, or settle her. Maybe once or twice to Catherine, before Danny had to look away, because it seemed so personal. From Steve, who believes in not only being a wall, but running through others whenever possible. Who loves the reckless, blunt force attack. Offensive strategies. Aggressive forward movement.

Now here, in bed, leaning his forehead against Danny's, and dropping two quiet words into the darkness, before his mouth is on Danny's again, and Danny's opens for him, even while the words rattle around like the last two gumballs in a dispenser. I did.

Fool Danny. It's true. He did. For years, as it turned out, and Danny still hates that, the clutch of guilt and sick worry in his stomach over it, over everything they missed, everything he missed, because he wasn't paying attention, or simply couldn't see it. Caught up in his own life and head and worries. Too certain it could never happen to ever consider the possibility that maybe Steve was hiding something, too. "Yeah."

His turn to drop it between kisses, but he can't keep them up, after that word comes out, pulls his head back, pushing it deeper into the mattress to look up at Steve, searching, studying, mouth pressing into a wry line. "I guess you did."

For years. Years. "Some detective I am, huh?"

[thebesteverseen]

Danny gives it one word, and another kiss, and another, and then he pulls back. Steve's stomach going cold and still, even with the warmth still under his skin and the fingers against his head. Nowhere to look but forward at Danny, as Danny says words that set themselves like bombs on the field around where Steve is. Even here. Ready to trigger at a whisper. That he lied to Danny. Time and time again, if not exactly to his face. Or directly.

About something that wasn't classified. When he knows how much Danny hates that word.

How much of what he's prized in Danny was that Danny had never lied to him or betrayed him. Ever.

That the man wouldn't. Maybe even couldn't. But he hates that inverted question Danny gives next. He's always hated it when anyone actually cut Danny down. In a fashion that wasn't all shooting the shit and mockery, no matter how blunt or barbed. But actually meaning it was right out. He wants to take off fingers and faces for it, and he isn't entirely missing the defensive or guilt-edged reaction to that question.Steve shook his head, too many times, in the dark.

"That's not on you. You were never supposed to see any it." Which sounds worse, suddenly out loud. Like he always meant for Danny to never figure it out. Or was somehow proud of, or took for granted, how easily it would have been to keep even something this big from him. Was working against him the whole time, instead of with him. Instead of being right there, doing whatever he needed.

Trying to understand anything Danny said about Melissa got him stabbed (by, also, lying to him), and when he needed to figure how to both get into and out of Gabby, and everything that was Rachel, because Danny couldn't think straight in any mood about Rachel and then she broke him. When he never would have done a thing to upset their friendship, their partnership, any of the relationships in his life. Because he'd been happy. In all of them, at different points.

He wanted them. Chose them. Cups of coffee and vacation trips. Nearly moving right back to Jersey with Rachel and Grace.

"There wasn't anything to see," Steve tried, feeling like it was an even worse choice of words. Like it didn't matter what he'd felt, and admitting that was worse than it actually being true. A thing he'd reminded himself of so much those first few years. "You had everything going for you with Amber, and Gabby, and Rachel." He tosses that last name, like it's a nail in the coffin. That he's had this for so long, and pushed it aside since nearly when they met.

Not that far back, but in comparison now, it's laughable how little time of all these years wasn't spent like this.

"It's not like either of us were at a lack of other things that were happening." His Dad. Wo Fat. Joe. Doris. Cath. "And you weren't--" But Steve stalls remembering Danny saying it again. "--like you said--" That he'd always been right. That Danny wasn't into men. By his own admission. But it sunk in a fist, trying to hold Danny having said he was the first. The only. When Steve wasn't first, and especially not only, for anything in his own life.

There's a frown, and it skews. "You never even noticed when guys checked you out." Not anywhere. Bars. The beach. Cases.

[haole_cop]

He's not totally sure what he expected Steve to do or say, when he pulled back, commented on the fact that Steve was right, he had fooled Danny, for a long time. Maybe no more than Danny had fooled him, so it's not like they both aren't to blame and not, at the same time, here.

Both of them, trying to make sure the other one never had to know, or deal with it. And they'd been good at it. Damn good. The kind of good that the shiver that runs in a frisson over him now isn't from Steve's touch or what he's saying, but how close they came to never knowing. To just continuing on, like always, with no idea that everything they felt and wanted and couldn't stop wanting was mutual.

But Steve is talking, finally. Trying words on for size, seeing how they fit, and discarding them, while Danny's eyebrows crawl first closer together, and then up his forehead. That it wasn't on Danny, which is bullshit, because Danny is supposed to be able to tell, right, when something is bugging Steve. When something is on Steve's mind, and tugging at all his neat compartmentalized boxes.

Which still isn't as bad as you were never supposed to see, which is bad enough, but takes an easy second to there wasn't anything to see, which is an outright lie, maybe the first of the night.

Steve. Lying to him, while laying on top of him, close as breathing. Saying there wasn't anything, when it's ludicrously clear that there certainly was something, and his mouth is actually opening to refute that point, when Steve keeps going, and Danny has to swallow whatever it was he was going to say, before he accidentally chokes on it, at that name coming out of Steve's mouth.

Rachel. Who he loved so much, Rachel. The only person he might have left Hawaii and Five-0 and Steve for, Rachel. Mother of his daughter. Woman of his dreams.

Who shattered and left him, twice. Rachel.

Steve's continuing, and he's making even less sense, now, but it's a relief, in a way, to let bewilderment crawl across his face at that last sentence, strike on something more immediate, wholly inconsequential. "Guys don't check me out."

Nobody checks him out. People check Steve out, all the time, sure. Steve. Kono. Chin's had his fair share of the admiring public, but Danny has never been the type, and that suits him fine, was never anything he wanted or wanted to waste time and energy on dealing with.

Sure. It annoyed him when girls couldn't keep their eyes off Steve, or the occasional surfer boy would hang around their camp out on the beach, lingering a little too long, but only because he found it deeply unfair, at the beginning, and then started to feel it as an annoying personal affront.

That every one else could look, but he couldn't. Wasn't wanted.

Except he was, and that's the thing he can't get over, wrap his mind around, especially: "Did you say Rachel?"

Rachel. Who had wrecked him all over again. It was a big deal, for both of them: the first time Steve had ever walked him through anything like it, after having heard the story of the first time around. He was over here a lot.

But that was...

Years ago. Before the gray suit ever even made an appearance, years.

Before he even knew. Years.

[thebesteverseen]

It's such an effort not to roll his eyes this time. An extraordinary one. The truth is so diametrically opposite he could crack glass and his own teeth on it. People like Danny. He's fuss and fire and bitching, sure, but he's, also, the brightest winning smile and he's your best friend, with a grin, a laugh, and a compliment when he's happy. All of it light and entirely sincere.

He's showstopping then. Runs over people, never noticing. Like that kid earlier, left having no clue, watching him leave.

People have been looking since Steve can remember. Not as much in that first months of the first year, sure, when Danny's go to was an acerbic scowl and he was quicker with an insult about Hawaii than he was with anything else, but he's mellowed since. There are things he likes, places he prefers, favorite spots and habits. He surfs and even lets Steve drag him to other places he wouldn't choose to go, and people noticed. Especially when he was happy.

They notice a lot. With the tight-buttoned shirts, and when Danny has no shirt at all.

They stared until Steve wants to help them remove their eyes from sockets with only his thumbs.
"Yeah." Steve says, pushing a breath out his nose and then the word out of his mouth. "They do."

Have. Since the beginning. Since surfers Danny thought were insulting him, and who were actually getting fresh right in front of Steve, who hadn't care at all except to laugh at Danny's obliviousness, in the middle of a case. Maybe he doesn't answer the other one on purpose. Not so much because he doesn't want to answer, even though he doesn't, as though he'd hoped Danny would miss that one word, so much as because Danny is what he just said he wasn't, a great detective. An even better friend.

Maybe the only person who gets Steve consistently. Definitely the only one who can stop him.

Danny, who definitely didn't mishear him. Not this close, with nothing to distract him, and that name repeated.

[haole_cop]

There's an impatient wave of one hand, abortive but necessary, and a slight frown at that comment, because it doesn't matter. Didn't then, if it happened at all, and certainly doesn't now. He might have been interested, in an academic and disbelieving sort of way, at another time, but there's no point in arguing it when he doesn't care and there's something so much worse to dig into.

More prevalent than any casual check-out at the beach, or at a coffee shop, or on the job. Someone who matters more than any other name Steve's dropped, or any random passer-by Steve suggested was interested in Danny. "What do you mean, Rachel?"

Because Steve is being stubborn, and dropped the name, and insinuation, without clarification or any apparent intention of explaining, while Danny's frown deepens, because Rachel...Rachel has never left, and she's never not been, or not going to be, part of his life, part of the decisions he makes, but he hasn't been with her since...

"It's been four years since I was with Rachel."

Four years. Not three.

Which means that Steve meant fours years, and not three, downstairs. That this has been going on for so much longer than Danny's had this suit, and longer, even, by almost a year, than Danny himself had any real clue of what his feelings meant, what they were.

Which means that Steve was hiding this all from him for a full year longer than Danny was. Which means that Steve was feeling all this during Rachel, which stabs into Danny with so much guilt and self-horror that he can feel the muscles of his abdominal wall clutching as if it were an actual blade sliding in.

Rachel. Gabby. Amber. All his failed attempts. All the conversations he had with Steve during them, when Steve did nothing but push him towards them, tried to convince him that things could turn out all right, for the first time ever. That he should try.

Steve was the one who pushed him towards Gabby to begin with. The one who listened when Rachel broke his heart, again. Who has done nothing but support and coax and sympathize with him, through it all.

Except he didn't mean any of it? Because he wanted this, instead?

Because he wanted Danny?

[thebesteverseen]

It's an impressive feat to feel five inches tall when you are over six feet, but it's there. A feeling he hasn't had in years. Ungainly and gangly with its limbs, but it doesn't make him shrink back. It makes him want to move now. To push off of Danny and put too much space between them, enough to stop Danny from shoving his fingers into what Steve knows he's not going to drop. Saying her name again, and how long ago that was. Like he didn't know.

"I do know how to count." Steve's words a little sharper, almost warily weary at some implication he'd missed his own life.

He knew. Of course, he knew then. It wasn't as clear when Danny went down in the doorway, unable to breathe, and he found himself shouting Danny's name, flashing back instantly to Freddie with the blood on his hands, and the promise he never kept, and the idea of having to do that for Grace now. He hadn't know what it was then. Fear, panic, necessity, focus. The rush of the moment. The relief too broad and overwhelming a feeling to quantify when Danny was out of the woods.

He hadn't really known entirely until that moment. When he walked in, honestly and entirely just to check on Danny, and found him, there, Rachel curled under his arm, head pillowed on his chest, fast asleep and then Danny turned and looked at him, smiling that smile. The one Steve had never seen before, or ever seen since. Like it wasn't designed to make every part of Steve suddenly nauseous and frozen. Stalling like an engine that ran out of fuel, even the idea of fuel, maybe never even had an engine installed, and only figured those things out thousands of feet above the ground.

Knowing was too easy then, even if easy was the wrong word. He knew it was more than it should have been by the try he managed to get out of the door to Danny's room, fast as possible, without tripping over his own feet, and out of the hospital. Like his worst demons and slain monsters were on his heels, instead of a grossly misplaced set of feelings about his partner that maybe he spent too much time with, that time proved weren't just the events of the day or their friendship overcasting it all. Knowing when wasn't a problem.

It wasn't like Danny tried to die every day. Even if it seemed more things of that magnitude found their way to him now, too.

[haole_cop]

"So what you're saying is you've felt this way for the last four years."

Yes. That is what he's saying, or refusing to outright say, leaving Danny to put it out there, blunt, flat. On the edge of horrified, underneath it, a reaction he's trying to drag down and strangle, even while tumblers fall and lock into place in his head.

The end of him and Rachel. The beginning of him and Gabby, and the end of him and Gabby. Matt, and Reyes. Amber.

Every time Steve had ever tried to steer him in the direction of a pretty woman, or tried to talk him off a cliff, drowning in his own panic. Every time Steve convinced him that maybe this time, it would all work out. "I wasn't –"

Stopping, and starting again, because it seems like too much. Only a year longer than he'd been thinking, for the last hour or so, but it feels like so much more. Three years was bad enough. Four was unthinkable.

A full year before. A full year. He keeps rolling over it with a thump, like wheels on a speedbump. "You told me to go out with Gabby."

It's almost accusatory, but it's not meant to be. Not at Steve. At the time, it seemed like something a best friend would do. Especially a best friend who was annoyingly involved with his life, nosing about his business, right, it wasn't like it was out of character for Steve to push Danny into something that made him uncomfortable. Steve did that all the time. Until tonight, Danny would have written it off as the kind of thing Steve actively enjoyed.

Except that he'd been feeling like this. The whole time.

[thebesteverseen]

It's growing under his skin. From that low itch so something buzzing.

"Are we really doing this? Right now?" Pushing itself out his mouth, because there's nowhere else to put it.

This wasn't what he pictured either. He hadn't pictured an after, but if he had it would not have been laying in bed, naked, on Danny, with Danny's hand on him, wanting to be anywhere other than there while discussing Danny's line of conquests. How he'd watched each other them sweep in, Danny gone broad and bright on them. How they overlapped work, and Grace. Him.

"You liked her." Steve's voice is getting harder. Exasperation not so much stealing in as striding in and taking over the console at Danny's accusation, like it's some kind of actual attack about his motivations toward Danny. Like he'd been a bad for doing all the right things. "You were goofy over her. To the point of stalling case information. And you were good together." Beat. "For months." For a long time. She was. Great with Danny. Great with Grace. Polite and friendly toward Steve the few times they met. Until the end went sideways.

He was everything over her, and even Amber, and especially Rachel, that he'd never been over Steve.

Not tripping over his tongue. Not staring too long and forgetting how to use sentences. Not freaking out about his house, or his head. At least not in the same way. Danny railed about both of those. But not like this. Like Steve was demented and prone to having no clue how to live a life. But he was never like any of this over Steve. Steve, who hadn't even known until tonight. Never so big it overwhelmed everything or showed through.

Except. It had in certain seconds. But only seconds. Maybe a minute here or there. A hug. A look. Those 'moments.'

"You weren't--" It still hitches, even when it's getting fierce. "--into men." Himself. His head throwing back It was only ever you suddenly. He wasn't even into Steve. Who didn't even know how to hold both of those at once. The bleak past and this sudden contorting moment on his bed, where Danny wanted him but this is where it got. "This wasn't even a thing for you then." Even if it was slipping in his hands, why it was one at all, if he ever had a grasp of why or how, outside his face being blown off my the surprise and the need that answered it. "You said that. You hadn't even thought of this, then."

He doesn't want to feel that cold, sharp thing spreading out from his spine and pushing, sharp spider legs into his lungs. That thing caught between doing the right thing, because for his straight, mostly happy, partner, who was steadily on the way to becoming his best friend, who he did want to support, want to be happy, and the other part, where he wasn't there. Seen. Optionable.

[haole_cop]

Steve is defensive, maybe even edging towards annoyed, and he keeps throwing excuses out, while tensing under Danny's hands, like he's winding up for a fight, and maybe he is. It would probably be the least possible surprise, to fight with Steve at a time like this, right, it would be the closest thing to normal that they've had all night. "So?"

So, Danny hadn't thought of it? So, he liked Gabby? So, he liked Amber? So, he had no idea?

When has Steve ever let a few details like those get in his way? When has Steve ever let details get in his way?

He knows it was the rational thing to do, okay. But Steve is not rational. Danny is rational, the one who does the expected thing. Not Steve. Steve is the tornado Danny's been tied to for years, and the idea that there was something in Danny that would make Steve back down, without even giving the slightest inkling that that something was wrong, sits strange and uncomfortable in Danny's stomach.

Okay, so maybe Steve being defensive isn't the only reason they might get into it, now. Maybe It's because Danny's guilt is starting to nibble at his stomach lining, and he doesn't like feeling guilty, or uncomfortable, and he wants to get to the bottom of this, because it sounds like, okay, it sounds to him, like Steve just pretty much didn't consider his own feelings, or wants, or needs, at all. Listing off reasons why he pushed Danny towards other people, actively setting himself aside.

And, sure. Danny's never seen Steve jealous. Not of anyone Catherine spent her time with, and not of Gabby, or Amber, or even Rachel. It's possible that never came into play, the way it did with Danny, whenever he opened the door to this house and found Catherine comfortably ensconced on the couch, waving and welcoming in like it was her home to offer.

He hated her more in those moments than she ever deserved. It wasn't her fault, and she was...she and Steve had something. Special. Strong. Unorthodox, maybe, but it could have lasted, could have gone the distance, if she hadn't left.

If she hadn't been the latest in the long line of people who loved Steve and left him behind, anyway.

Everything Danny always promised himself he wouldn't do. Wouldn't toy with Steve, or harm him. Wouldn't take advantage of his unending spring of loyalty, his stubborn need to help, his refusal to back down in front of insurmountable odds.

Everything it turns out he did. Knowing, or not. "You'd prefer we never talk about it again, maybe?"

Fat chance of that happening, when it's already worrying at Danny's leg, like a dog gnawing on the bone, leaving him discontent and annoyed with himself. Even if they'd both been hiding, those last three years. Even if, in the grand scheme of things, the year before might not be such a big deal.

It's a big deal to Danny. It matters. Steve matters.

[thebesteverseen]

Danny says 'so and Steve feels it slam through him. Unexpected and absolute. The unmitigated want to push up, not to move, but to a sitting position, even halfway up, so he could grab Danny's shoulders and shake him until whatever he has of a brain in that head rattled like pennies in a tin can. So. So. So. Like Steve wouldn't tear the whole world apart for that. Danny being happy. Danny getting what he deserved. Finally.

Hadn't made calls into lawyers, or high military. Looked into Stan's records once. Looked into everything that had once pertained to Grace's civil suit. Even Melissa's whole background, once Amber was Melissa and had gotten Danny stabbed, and he still stood by Danny because Danny wanted to believe in her. Choose her. Still wanted her. Felt something Steve couldn't about her. But Steve did it, because he trusted Danny, more than he trusted anyone else on the planet maybe.

Because there wasn't a single thing he wouldn't do for Danny.

Danny. Who stood by his side. Who got himself to fucking other countries where no one should have been able to get or find him, definitely not save him from situations he couldn't even say his own men could. Who was there. Always there. The same you're always (t)here Steve had said. But for Steve. Not just the house. With his Dad, and Doris, and Freddie, and Shelburne who killed his mother and then became her, and Jenna, and Wo Fat. Everyone ever. Everything in these years.

Danny, who Steve had made the god damn hero of his own drugged delusions, because the man mattered so much and his belief in Danny's abilities, apparently, had no bounds when his control of himself was jacked. Not as a fuck. Not as someone he needed to date. Just as he was. His best friend. His amazing partner. The person at his back and his side, every day and in every way. Who never faltered on him, and who Steve would have walked through hell, gladly, for him to be happy.

He would move sky to the ground and the ocean above them if that was what it took to make it happen. He'd find a way.

"Because I give off some vibe I don't want to talk about everyone else you've slept with, right now?" It aches. Old. So old. A scar he hadn't cared about that much at all, but now felt fresh sliced. Like even this was something he couldn't have. It couldn't be his. Not without belonging to all of those other people, too, suddenly. "We need to throw Amber and Cath on this while you're at it? That what you want?"

He's not doing well, and he knows it. He doesn't want the words in his mouth. The ones that keep coming out. Catching like a foot to his own face. He doesn't want to feel like he's both disastrously defensive of them and a damn coward for hiding behind them. For being proud of what he did, refusing to let anyone, even Danny belittle what he did or would do for Danny, but not wanting to push it into the light. He wasn't made to break. It didn't break him. He was still here, fine, four years later.

Knowing there was no way he ever would have come on to Danny then.

(Maybe even, sickened and angry at himself, that if it wasn't for Danny, none of this would exist either.)

[haole_cop]

"No, I just –"

Backpedaling, while Steve is, actually now, getting angry. Defensive. Pricked too close, maybe, and, okay, okay, okay, so maybe Danny needs to make all this clear. "I don't want that, okay, I don't want this, I don't want to fight with you about it, okay? I'm not trying to – it's not about them, okay?"

Even if it was. And Steve was right. And both of them made it work, and both of them were doing okay, and both of them were even happy, for a while. Everything Steve said he was. Goofy over Gabby. Stubborn about Amber, even when it turned out she was really Melissa. And Steve, there, helping him through it all, just like he tried to, with Cath. "Look, I know what it was like, I remember, alright? I just, I didn't know."

And maybe that's the crux of it. The thing that matters, the thing that keep catching him, why four years is so much worse than three.

He didn't know. Had no idea. That they could have been here, so long ago. That Steve felt even anything like this. That Steve felt like he had to hide it from him, and hid it so well that even once Danny realized, figured it out for himself, he still didn't have a damn clue that Steve had already been living with it for a year. Past Rachel. Walking Danny through his first post-Rachel relationship. Being there for absolutely everything else. While Grace loved him. And Danny depended on him.

Always at his back, and always faithful. Always the best friend and partner he'd ever had. "Look, I'm sorry."

He is. Sorry. For turning this into an argument. For that first year. For the three after, when he should have known, when if he'd known – "Okay?"

His hand, which had lifted to move without him even noticing, pauses, and then settles, a little cautiously, at the side of Steve's head. "I'm sorry."

[thebesteverseen]

Danny backpedals hard and fast. The words catching in his throat and his face, and Steve almost wants to back down. But he doesn't. He isn't built for it. He was made to be a raging storm, taking out everything in his path, and he doesn't want to be stood up next to every person before him right this second. Not yet. Not naked and skin barely cooled. He doesn't want to have to look in the mirror and see that he's nothing like any of them. Want Danny to see it and --

He keeps talking. Too many words, that are Danny backing the hell off, without letting go or moving away. Not raising his voice, and suddenly apologizing. Not wanting a fight. When Steve knew that, but he couldn't stop himself. Even if he couldn't say why he went for Danny's throat. Crass and inverted. When that wasn't what Danny was doing. They weren't talking about other people Danny had sex with exactly. Or sex at all. Implicitly acknowledged in all those places, consenting adults and all, even children, but not flaunted.

It was meant to hurt, and Steve hates himself for it, as Danny apologizes suddenly. For not knowing. Not wanting to fight.

Those two words edged suddenly by Danny moving and then settling a hand against his skin. Somehow that one hurts, hits deeper, makes him hold more still than either of the two words. Like it's an even bigger apology. When it's Steve, not Danny, who should be apologizing. Who doesn't deserve any of this. Making something in Steve's throat become a boulder instead space, or air, or anything else normal. When he's tipped into it before he can stop himself. Head into hand, eyelids closing, as though pushing for the contact of his whole palm without even realizing it.

Even when he shakes his head, dragging in a breath through his nose and putting it right back out. Too heavy, but deep enough that he's actually breathing. At least for that one breath. That it's almost like a showcase before he says quieter but entirely set. "You don't have anything to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong."

[haole_cop]

That, too, is demonstrably untrue, okay, he has plenty to be sorry for. Every day he hadn't said or done something since the first day he had even the slightest idea, he can be sorry for each one of those. For every time Steve felt like he had to push Danny towards anyone but himself. For every time he dismissed any one of those moments as just a fluke, another instance of their friendship taking on a form nearly unrecognizable as simply friendship to anyone else.

He has a lot to be sorry for, but he'd be more sorry if any of them kept pushing at Steve, prodding at him, pushing him to snap and punch back. Again.

Even if Danny knows he did plenty wrong, because he's supposed to know better, right, he's supposed to be better. Be the person who knows Steve better than anyone. Who always has his back. Who will think of Steve when no one else, including Steve, will.

And he didn't. Hasn't. Let Steve down, more sharply than he had any idea. Got it so wrong, while he was patting himself on the back for being the only one to get it right, and getting righteously furious with the never-ending list of people who said they cared about Steve, only to leave him or lie to him or betray him, when he was doing the exact same thing.

Maybe worse. Maybe he's been the worst culprit, simply because he'd thought he was in the right.

But Steve's leaning into his touch, and huffing out that heavy breath, and his eyes are sliding closed, and Danny doesn't want to shatter it, okay, wants the tension in Steve's neck to slip away, not tie itself tighter, not thread itself through Steve's body and this whole room and around Danny's throat like garrote wire.

He's done plenty wrong. But he can start trying to get it right.

Sliding his fingers with the motion of Steve's head, to run them firmly over Steve's scalp, followed by the long sweep of his thumb. His other hand settling at the side of Steve's neck, before smoothing slowly down his shoulder. "Okay."

It's not. But he can work with it, for now. To wind it down. To get it right. "I don't want to think about anyone else, okay? I want to think about you."

Here. In bed. Naked against him. Beautiful in the dark. "I just want you."

It's been so long. And there have been others, but they weren't Steve. They were never Steve. "So do me a favor, huh? Do me a favor, kiss me."

[thebesteverseen]

Danny is quiet. Quieter. They both are, like a blanket dropped into the tense noise of a few comments back, and there's a quiet truce finding its way into the spaces between their breaths. The suddenly smaller words. Softer, and more direct. Less other people's names when Steve opens his eyes while Danny goes back to talking, alongside his hands rubbing up and down Steve's skin suddenly.

He knows Danny is trying to calm him back down, and that Danny shouldn't have to. Calm him or apologize.

That this, right here, is in the long list of reasons he knew that he should never be right here. Didn't deserve to, as well as couldn't be and wouldn't be. Except that Danny keeps touching him, and he keeps looking down at Danny. That traitor in his chest. His heart that just won't stop beating no matter how many beatings it takes from how many people he tried to believe wouldn't do what they always do. Like clockwork. The one promise he can rely on from the world.

But he wants to believe it, all over again, when Danny says those words. I want to think about you. I just want you.

Impossible. Improbable. But Danny is still here. Danny isn't shoving him to the side and getting his pants and his keys to get the hell out of dodge from Steve who can't even reign it in for a civil discussion of when, where and how. Just keeps touching him and saying those words instead. Following it up with that small request that makes Steve look at him, in the dark, a touch too long. Maybe uncertain. Maybe confused. Maybe just unable to be relieved and distracted entirely. Not twenty-five and entirely reckless anymore.

Even if he wants to be, and it is something he can give. Wants. Doesn't even give it a word, because his words are poison in the air, but he can do this. Okay. He can do this. Right now, if Danny wants him to, and for as long as he can, until Danny doesn't want him to anymore. Lean back in and find Danny's mouth. Warm smooth lips, that just touching makes his stomach quiver like it's been days somehow. Kiss him as though it doesn't feel the ground is entirely unstable or that he knows the ground is sable, as it always is, and Steve, himself, just isn't.

Just press himself against there, trying to push it all away. The thrumming tension and the sharp protectiveness, the biting cold hunger. Shame. Anger. Helplessness. Jealousy so old it's another shirt. Just close his eyes, and tip Danny's head into the mattress again, his own hand finding the side of Danny's face and remember the rest of it. The parts that don't feel like even on the first night everything in his hands is cracked and broken because he can't stop dropping it.

[haole_cop]

It starts out as a transparent ploy, maybe, an obvious attempt at distraction, because Steve pauses for almost too long, before he finally does lean in, but he does. Leans in. Finds the side of Danny's head with his hand, and presses him back, while Danny's lips part and his eyes close and it's already stopped being about a distraction, hasn't it?

Must. Is. Forces him to be present, in a way he'd been hoping to coax out of Steve, but which hauled him along as well, because there's nothing to think about, nothing to worry over or feel guilty about, when Steve's mouth is sliding against his and Danny can breathe him in, slow and deep and relaxed. Hand sliding down Steve's back, palm warm over working muscles and velvet-soft skin. Thinking, if he thinks of anything at all, of how much he's wanted to touch Steve, exactly like this. Every time he's watched Steve slap on sunscreen. Every time he's looked over to find Steve dozing on the couch, with his shirt rucked up a few bare inches above the waistband of his pants or shorts. Every time the sun painted it, or water ran down it.

This perfect, flat expanse of tan skin and dense muscle, living and shifting beneath his touch. The texture of Steve's wiry brown hair. The slick warm slide of his mouth, and puff of his breath, and how immediately it starts working its way all the way down Danny's body, unlocking and untying and working away tension he hadn't even known was there.

Settling him back into the mattress, while Danny tries his best to wind around him, a leg slipping over one of Steve's, hands moving slow but specific, painting across wide swathes of skin, roaming over curved muscle and up the slope of his back.

He hadn't meant it to be all consuming, but maybe there was never a chance it wouldn't be. He hasn't gotten enough of being kissed by Steve, yet. Of Steve kissing him, because Danny told him to. Of Steve blanketing him, touching him, wanting him.

It's not a lie. It's the only thing he wants to fall into.

[thebesteverseen]

It's wrong but he knows, better than he should, how to kiss someone to just shut them the hell up. Girls in places that weren't here, and maybe one or two who were. People he didn't want here, who he could overpower with a direct dedication that made them forget anything else he didn't want to talk about or wasn't going to do with them once this all ended. But that isn't Danny. They weren't.

If there are words he doesn't want Danny to say, it's not about filling the space until he'll leave. Knocking him out with this all.

It's about the way that crack inside his chest intensifies when Danny's mouth parts under his, just as ready and just as responsive as every other time he kissed Danny tonight. The way Danny kissed him back downstairs before he even gathered his wits enough to ask how, why, wha, when Steve kissed him instead of talking. Which maybe is the wiser move all over this. Even if he doesn't want the same moves to mean the same things here. Because they can't.

Kissing Danny pulls at him. Cracking the center of his chest wide open. It's like how he can't just stand two or three feet inside the ocean waves without feeling it there. A magnet tug so strong there is nothing he wants -- not even helping Grace with her board, or talking to another surfer, or anything with his friends -- as diving into that blue and pushing for the deep blue, black that will come if he holds his breath and kicks strong and sure.

That's what kissing Danny is like. A tide tugging his feet under. A light to the blind. Something he doesn't want to fight, and isn't even positive he could. That it was cultivated like his own person super weapon. Pushing words and worries aside. Making him want to find every corner of Danny's mouth all over, again. To touch every part of him one more time, like it might be the very last time. The only. Danny will come to his senses about Steve being too much trouble.

The way, maybe, Cath did over everything he didn't know how to give her.

Maybe couldn't give Danny, who he seemed to give almost everything, everything but this, and her, who he did.

None of it is right and none of it fair. It hurts somewhere too deep for bones and muscle to exist. Down where his mother was dead and his father didn't need him, and then his father was dead and his mother wasn't but didn't want him, and where Cath chose her, and chose another country. Even with her fingerprints on more of him than anyone else had ever gotten. And this. This, where Danny inhabited what felt like everything but the last five or ten cells in his body, and he was taking those now.

The danger of it, and in it. How badly it would hurt when this ripped away from his hands, too. When he wasn't like them. Tiny and malleable. With glossy hair and brilliant smiles. Graceful or sassy. Someone Danny could spoil and tease and do god knows what else did with his bevy of tiny, slim girls that Steve was never going to be even five percent like. That ripped at his center, prying his ribs open against that crack.

That long, cold time of watching so many hands, on Danny, on them. Arms around their shoulders, pulled in close, under Danny's, against him. Kisses that were delicate and worshipful, and something Steve had to look away from, because he was a good friend and not a creep. Because he didn't want to see it and hate them, or Danny, even more, even if it was only for a few seconds. When it was too intimate and it was inappropriate and he had to remind himself hard to be happy for Danny. Not just happy to get drink a little more and numb it out before Danny returned, all smiles and effusive brilliance to nudge at him in the wake of it.

Which maybe is what shifts this kiss. Makes it something harder. Hungry, and helpless at fighting, and more exacting, almost punishing, for anything so profane as being made helpless and unable to burn Danny out, and so achingly old. Four. Years. Old. That was four years ago and I do know how to count. Because maybe he never did as well as he was supposed to at that. At any of this. Maybe on the top. Skin deep. Danny couldn't tell. He did that right. But everything under it had burned and boiled, roiling muddy and messed up. Always wanting this so badly he couldn't escape it even in his dreams and delusions.

[haole_cop]

It doesn't take Steve long to start escalating this kiss, but when he starts pushing harder, Danny can't keep from meeting it, wanting it.

He doesn't want Steve holding back, and he doesn't want Steve thinking. Doesn't want Steve to be re-thinking. Specifically. Re-thinking any of this. Kissing Danny instead of hitting him. Telling him anything, for Danny to get caught on and try to wheedle out of him.

It matters. Of course it does. Everything Steve feels and wants and needs matters. Should, especially, because the people who were supposed to care about Steve's feelings and wants and needs haven't. Everyone Danny always prided himself on being nothing like. Because he cared. He knew Steve.

Except it turned out, he didn't, right? Didn't know, and didn't do right by him, after all. Spent a whole year in blissful ignorance, asking Steve for relationship advice, and never for one second thinking there would be any reason why Steve wouldn't want to hear it. Steve, even, pushing him into it. Gabby, and Amber.

He should have known better. He should have known.

So when Steve kisses him harder, a little more desperately, he meets it. Pushes up into it, sinks his fingers into Steve's hair, belts his arm a little more firmly across Steve's back. Wanting to burn out that year, and the three than followed it, and every time he got it wrong, every time he should have known. All the times he patted himself on the back for being such a good friend, for listening to Steve and taking his advice with Gabby or Amber, and imagining he was the only person he'd be hurting, with it.

Priding himself on being the one person who would always take what Steve wanted and needed into consideration. The one who would never lie to him, or put him second to anything other than Grace.

He'd thought he'd done such a good job. That even when it was like sticking his own face into a pile of red-hot coals, he did it. Even when all he wanted was to tell Steve that the only person he wanted was him, the one standing right there, always at his side and at his back.

And he hadn't. For years, he hadn't.

He can't make that up, and he has no way of even trying to start making it up, but he can kiss Steve back, and drag him in closer, now. Pushing up into him, to roll them both over the mattress, and keep Steve close enough that it won't ever be something he can question again.

[thebesteverseen]

Steve isn't positive, even when he is letting Danny push him, roll them, that he wants to relent. Let Danny. Do anything but kiss him into the bed, and through the mattress, maybe the floor and the ceiling and the next floor. Like somehow that action could say everything it can't, and that he has no clue how to say for Danny, and Danny keeps asking, because Danny needs words. That even trying to touch in himself, either of them trying, makes him vicious and feral even at Danny, who is every reason for everything.

Danny whose fingers were in his hair, and whose arm was across him, leg tangled up. Making this shift ungraceful, but, also, somehow like it didn't matter. Neither of them letting go, or paying it any mind, as they didn't pull apart during it. Steve didn't care. Or he did. Too much. With their names still in his ears, like it had been etched with a razor sharp blade on his skin, or his brain. The backs of his eyelids, and the last thing he wanted was to share. This fleeting darkness. These minutes. His bed. Danny.

He's done it for so long. Sharing Danny with the world, and with them, and he doesn't want to anymore. Not now. Not with Danny kissing him back like this. Making his breath go ragged, when he even remembers to breathe in and his hands have to find more of Danny's skin, as Danny lets him. Kiss him like this. Touch him like this. Not backing down and not flattening a hand on his chest, or his neck, telling Steve that Steve had to. Danny only pulled him even closer, kissing him back just as hard. Nothing but willing and seeming to want him, still, too. To feel the urgent insanity and the blistering impossible walls in the air.

That it wasn't just Steve who lost it on a touch. The taste of Danny. The solidness under his hands.

The way nothing in his head made any sense when he was trying to say it, but everything about this did. Even if it was the kind of sense crackling the edges of everything calm and sane. Tempting him toward the edge with a red blanket waving, while it felt briefly, crazily, like somehow they might be on the same page here at least.