He's not even sure he knows what he's saying, anymore. It's all starting to blur into a haze of panic and fear, and he might be repeating himself, or he might be making no sense at all.
Which is what Steve says, finally, when he says something at all. Looking befuddled, and a little cautiously uncertain. Saying Danny's not making sense. And then.
Asking what. What Danny couldn't control, and following it up with everything was fine, which is so patently untrue, and the first question is such an obvious softball, that Danny's nerves shatter a little, and he starts laughing.
High, and a little unhinged, and disbelieving, until one hand covers his mouth and rubs it away, and the other points, a little loosely, at Steve. "Are you hearing yourself?"
He's still grinning, but it's sharp and miserable and feels like stepping on cut glass, but he can't stop, nerves misfiring in his cheeks, along his skin, in his brain. Cutting him loose like a marionette, to swing drunkenly and get in his own way, tie himself up on his own string. What's that sailing expression? Hoisted on his own petard. "Fine? That was not fine. That was an exercise in everything you should fire me for."
Everything he swore would never get in the way. But did. Because of course it did. Because he's never been able to stop it. Danny falls in love the way other people fall into sinkholes. He never comes back out again, and there's never any handhold to keep himself from getting lost. "What, what do you mean, what, I couldn't control this, myself, I’m talking about not being able to keep my fucking hands off you, when you need me to be able to do my job. I’m talking about a thirteen year old being able to do a better job of not losing it under cover. I’m talking about everything I did that made you so uncomfortable you couldn’t wait to get away from me, that’s what."
His face is sore, but the smile is gone. He's breathing hard, and thinking, distantly, that he really might stroke out from this, the pressure, the guilt, the fear. But Steve's staring at him, and he can't stop.
He won't lie to Steve. He won't. He won't be like every other person in Steve's life, who said they loved him, and lied, and left. "And I know, okay, I know. I know I shouldn’t want you, but I do, and I shouldn’t have let myself get in that situation tonight, okay. I shouldn't have kissed you, but I did, and I knew I shouldn’t, but I thought, you know, I could handle it, for the cover."
His hands are shaking. He feels a little dizzy. But the words keep coming, won't stop, like he might be able to halt the inevitable, if he talks at it long enough, if he just never stops talking long enough for Steve to do what he's going to do.
What Danny needs to make sure he knows he can do. "And if you want to send me to therapy or a harassment seminar or suspend me, or work with someone else for a while, okay, I understand, I do. Whatever it takes. Anything it takes, so you know I’m not gonna let it ever get in the way of our jobs, ever again, and you’ll never have to worry about me doing, or saying, anything. Anything. You’re my best friend, Steve, and that’s the most important thing, okay, I can’t lose that, I can’t lose you over this. But if you — I know it’s weird and wrong and I hate that I did this to you, that I made you feel like this. That you trusted me, and I — if you’re gonna ht me, or fire me, okay, I get it, but I just need you to know, alright, I won’t ever let it interfere with the job again. Never again.”
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2015-10-22 03:22 am (UTC)He's not even sure he knows what he's saying, anymore. It's all starting to blur into a haze of panic and fear, and he might be repeating himself, or he might be making no sense at all.
Which is what Steve says, finally, when he says something at all. Looking befuddled, and a little cautiously uncertain. Saying Danny's not making sense. And then.
Asking what. What Danny couldn't control, and following it up with everything was fine, which is so patently untrue, and the first question is such an obvious softball, that Danny's nerves shatter a little, and he starts laughing.
High, and a little unhinged, and disbelieving, until one hand covers his mouth and rubs it away, and the other points, a little loosely, at Steve. "Are you hearing yourself?"
He's still grinning, but it's sharp and miserable and feels like stepping on cut glass, but he can't stop, nerves misfiring in his cheeks, along his skin, in his brain. Cutting him loose like a marionette, to swing drunkenly and get in his own way, tie himself up on his own string. What's that sailing expression? Hoisted on his own petard. "Fine? That was not fine. That was an exercise in everything you should fire me for."
Everything he swore would never get in the way. But did. Because of course it did. Because he's never been able to stop it. Danny falls in love the way other people fall into sinkholes. He never comes back out again, and there's never any handhold to keep himself from getting lost. "What, what do you mean, what, I couldn't control this, myself, I’m talking about not being able to keep my fucking hands off you, when you need me to be able to do my job. I’m talking about a thirteen year old being able to do a better job of not losing it under cover. I’m talking about everything I did that made you so uncomfortable you couldn’t wait to get away from me, that’s what."
His face is sore, but the smile is gone. He's breathing hard, and thinking, distantly, that he really might stroke out from this, the pressure, the guilt, the fear. But Steve's staring at him, and he can't stop.
He won't lie to Steve. He won't. He won't be like every other person in Steve's life, who said they loved him, and lied, and left. "And I know, okay, I know. I know I shouldn’t want you, but I do, and I shouldn’t have let myself get in that situation tonight, okay. I shouldn't have kissed you, but I did, and I knew I shouldn’t, but I thought, you know, I could handle it, for the cover."
His hands are shaking. He feels a little dizzy. But the words keep coming, won't stop, like he might be able to halt the inevitable, if he talks at it long enough, if he just never stops talking long enough for Steve to do what he's going to do.
What Danny needs to make sure he knows he can do. "And if you want to send me to therapy or a harassment seminar or suspend me, or work with someone else for a while, okay, I understand, I do. Whatever it takes. Anything it takes, so you know I’m not gonna let it ever get in the way of our jobs, ever again, and you’ll never have to worry about me doing, or saying, anything. Anything. You’re my best friend, Steve, and that’s the most important thing, okay, I can’t lose that, I can’t lose you over this. But if you — I know it’s weird and wrong and I hate that I did this to you, that I made you feel like this. That you trusted me, and I — if you’re gonna ht me, or fire me, okay, I get it, but I just need you to know, alright, I won’t ever let it interfere with the job again. Never again.”